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Some people write poetry to express how they feel about certain things. Some people can articulate themselves well enough to talk it out with someone, some people paint. Whenever I feel passionately about something though, I knot up inside. I don’t use the term loosely–not even when I’m ill and my muscles are contracting involuntarily to I feel the same kind of terrible contortion inside myself. As a result, I have trouble getting outside of myself and describing how I feel. I feel like I’m suspended from life’s motion; I feel as if in some meta-verse my body is folding forward in on itself itself; I feel without momentum and suffocating and never going to move anywhere again. It’s a problem I’ve had since I was little, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever snap out of it. I can only tell you I’m feeling “bad,” and most of the time I have difficulty going into further detail. Someone could suggest an emotion that I could be feeling, and I can agree or disagree with them well enough, but it’s hard for me to come to that conclusion on my own.

I thought it was assumed that you weren’t to pursue someone who wouldn’t “help you out with the kids” from the start, but since it isn’t, I’m going to say it now. I wouldn’t want to start a relationship that I wouldn’t see through to the very lifelong end. And then again, maybe that’s why every once in a while it hits me like a sack of comets. Like I’d want to just eat cat food and die. Sometimes I get ideas in my head of other such only-so-tangibles, but I’ll only float along that dotted line so far. I need someone who will have me for me, with my faults. I’m accepting and with an open mind! I like cool music too. Do you like to read? Let’s go to the beach. Let’s dye our hair cool colors and sleep together in the kelp like fish. We can live in the city, and in the country, and plant watermelon that’ll grow so big we can live inside them. Let’s freeze time forever so we can move and no one else can, and then we can do everything fun in the world and draw pictures on the sides of buildings with the berry-juice from our mouths and melted wax. Let’s draw tarot cards together and read books about biology. Let’s go to a country and gulp their culture down. Let me be your clean needle.